The last two days have been days of reflection as I spent with family that I have not seen in forever. It has also been a time for reflection of the last year as it is another year gone by. I know that it is still technically 2014, but do our years, should our years not technically begin new on our birthdays? With that said, this might be the type of post for New Year’s Eve, but as I am now another year old…my new year began yesterday in a sense. It is no secret that the last month and a half have not been good to me. It has been a snowball of BS that most only know a portion of. Still those piles of BS are not much compared to others, I am not foolish enough to say other wise, but as they are my BS and have a ripple effect on that in which is my path…they weigh heavily on me.
Despite what will be a new year’s resolution, this will also be an apology of sorts. My epiphanies are frequent, but the actualization of truth is not always. So bear with me while I ramble.
As we sat around the table at Thanksgiving, I listened to one of the strongest men I know as he fights a good fight with cancer that he refuses to give into. It’s been six years now since his initial diagnosis and he is about to battle his third round of chemo. Still he remains positive and strong and eliminates those that do not deserve to be in his life. Yet, my selfish *** cannot seem to let go of those that I should have long let go of. That will soon change.
As I listened to a cousin argue with my grandmother over God and free will. I felt inclined to speak up as his ignorance annoyed me. It was not his ignorance towards God as I am definitely not one to speak on such a matter. God and I long agreed that he will continue to mess with my life as long as I continued to believe and he would accept the fact that I would not pray as long as I accepted the fact he would keep trying to force the reasons upon me. It was the choice of free will and cousin’s ignorance on the topic that I was annoyed with and promptly told him that the paths are laid before us, but it is only us that can choose the right and the wrong as we are well educated on such matters and know what is right and wrong. As he shut his mouth rather quickly and realized his war was lost, I realized the hypocritical portion of mine. I often do that in which I know is wrong, because I fear so much what others will think of me. Not in the legal sense, but more in the fairs of the heart and others. Doing what others want me to do or keeping something because everyone but me thinks it is a good idea. That too will change.
As I was asked for the umpteenth time if I was still in school and what was I going to school for now, I pondered the loserish persona that my life has taken on. Still my grandmother speaks up and reminds me that if it isn’t right than it isn’t right and to do what needs to be done for me. A woman of few words until she has something to say and one of whom you listen when she speaks. I’m sorry that my life choices are no desirable, but trust me as unappealing as they are to you…imagine what they are to me. My path is easier than most but not so flat and if you really wanted me in your life you would bare with me while I figure it out for the tenth time this year. You don’t have to listen, you just have to stick around. I’m pretty intelligent and just get turned around every now and then. I’m working on it.
As we discussed the broken pieces of our family, I think about what I consider family and those that I’ve pushed away. Just friends. It is my own shame within that often causes this. I don’t ask them back as that is only a decision that they can make. I can only apologize for my foolishness. As I looked upon the things in my room, I sometimes realize that none of us are as grown up as we truly like to pretend we are. For me…this will too will change.
As I look upon the beast sitting upon her shelf…a tear rolls down my cheek. 9.5 years and the promise of something better has come too late. Still, I make that promise to her so that it is made to me. As foolish as that is, laugh if you must, but she did something for me that I can’t return. Truth be told, she saved my life. So the changes I promised will be made.
I will consistently remain the person that everyone seems to think that I am (the good one with the big heart) and my life will change. I’m over sentimental and I appreciate it when people even do the small things for me because they have been so rare in my life. I don’t always know how to appreciate it in its entirety and I often hold on to tight. I would like to apologize for some of that and it is something that I am working on.
As I look upon my latest and last tattoo, its placement, its meaning…I remind myself that I am here. Despite all…I am here. Each person in my life is there for a reason and I’ve met so many that I consider friends. Each of you rocks and I hope that you know that. Not because I am saying it, but seriously if a princess tells you that you rock..you might want to listen. 😉 Life is much too good for the regrets and emptiness and the hate. The anger…there really isn’t room for it. Enjoy every moment because if you don’t you will miss them before you even realize they are gone. I’m done rambling now and I expect NO ONE to read this, but I needed to post it. I will probably start my blog back up and so you won’t be bothered with it on facebook, but for now…here it is.
Thank you for your time.