Hello!!

It has been a bit since I’ve posted anything on this blog.  That is in small part to me focusing on another area of my creativity.  I do photography and write more than poems.  I’ve not quite decided how I’m going to work all this yet as I do enjoy poetry, but stories are more of my strong suit.  If you get a moment, please consider stopping by my other blog at MontanaRosePhotography.com (still wordpress) and giving it a follow.  I may just combine the two and move my poetry over to that one. Alas, my indecisive side has been exactly that on the subject.

Hope you have a beautiful tomorrow.

My side

If I thought people would listen
I’d say my mind
My heartaches
So unbelievably so
I wish for things to be different
For me not to be so lonely
Or for this to be just self pity
Things so easy to overcome
But alas it is not
So many have left
Dropped me like a dime
Not all their fault
but alas not all mine
I wish it was different
That I had the chance
To make things right
To have what others have
I have a heart so full
A Spirit so worthy
A soul so desired
To be someone better than this
To not be alone
To not have a heart that aches
Eyes that cry
What I wouldn’t do
Just to know
If when I needed it most
There would be people by my side

Copyright 2015 ~SMH~

Us

I found pictures of you the other day
Pictures I didn’t even know I had
Memories of a different time
Emotions I tried to let go of
Convinced myself I had some time ago
Yet there they were
In those eyes
A smile so kind
A heart so pure
Flood gates opened
It all came pouring out
Something I’ll never understand
That time was many years behind
You’ve moved on
You don’t even think of me
My heart knows this is true
Still I think of you
More often than I should
That time under the Fourth of July sky
Things I wanted memories to make
I knew it wasn’t meant to be
Or maybe I was afraid it was
You had your fears too
The timing just wasn’t right
Maybe it was you
Maybe it was me
Maybe it was both
Things that no longer matter
The path has long been covered with dust
You have your life now
It’s me that’s still holding on
To what I no longer know
Love that I thought I had
Fighting I should have done
Things I should have said
An immature girl back then
She wouldn’t have known better
She’d have needed today
Looking at pictures of you
Ones she didn’t know she had
Those beautiful eyes
A gentle smile
A friend long lost
A heart still pained
Not sure what to say
What I should do
Knowing deep what I must
Only being able to wish for the worst
Doing what I can to forget about us

~SMH 2015~

Something I need to say

The last two days have been days of reflection as I spent with family that I have not seen in forever.  It has also been a time for reflection of the last year as it is another year gone by.  I know that it is still technically 2014, but do our years, should our years not technically begin new on our birthdays?  With that said, this might be the type of post for New Year’s Eve, but as I am now another year old…my new year began yesterday in a sense. It is no secret that the last month and a half have not been good to me.  It has been a snowball of BS that most only know a portion of.  Still those piles of BS are not much compared to others, I am not foolish enough to say other wise, but as they are my BS and have a ripple effect on that in which is my path…they weigh heavily on me.

Despite what will be a new year’s resolution, this will also be an apology of sorts.  My epiphanies are frequent, but the actualization of truth is not always.  So bear with me while I ramble.

As we sat around the table at Thanksgiving, I listened to one of the strongest men I know as he fights a good fight with cancer that he refuses to give into.  It’s been six years now since his initial diagnosis and he is about to battle his third round of chemo.  Still he remains positive and strong and eliminates those that do not deserve to be in his life. Yet, my selfish *** cannot seem to let go of those that I should have long let go of.  That will soon change.

As I listened to a cousin argue with my grandmother over God and free will. I felt inclined to speak up as his ignorance annoyed me.  It was not his ignorance towards God as I am definitely not one to speak on such a matter. God and I long agreed that he will continue to mess with my life as long as I continued to believe and he would accept the fact that I would not pray as long as I accepted the fact he would keep trying to force the reasons upon me.  It was the choice of free will and cousin’s ignorance on the topic that I was annoyed with and promptly told him that the paths are laid before us, but it is only us that can choose the right and the wrong as we are well educated on such matters and know what is right and wrong. As he shut his mouth rather quickly and realized his war was lost, I realized the hypocritical portion of mine. I often do that in which I know is wrong, because I fear so much what others will think of me.  Not in the legal sense, but more in the fairs of the heart and others. Doing what others want me to do or keeping something because everyone but me thinks it is a good idea. That too will change.

As I was asked for the umpteenth time if I was still in school and what was I going to school for now, I pondered the loserish persona that my life has taken on.  Still my grandmother speaks up and reminds me that if it isn’t right than it isn’t right and to do what needs to be done for me. A woman of few words until she has something to say and one of whom you listen when she speaks. I’m sorry that my life choices are no desirable, but trust me as unappealing as they are to you…imagine what they are to me.  My path is easier than most but not so flat and if you really wanted me in your life you would bare with me while I figure it out for the tenth time this year.  You don’t have to listen, you just have to stick around.  I’m pretty intelligent and just get turned around every now and then.  I’m working on it.

As we discussed the broken pieces of our family, I think about what I consider family and those that I’ve pushed away. Just friends.  It is my own shame within that often causes this.  I don’t ask them back as that is only a decision that they can make. I can only apologize for my foolishness. As I looked upon the things in my room, I sometimes realize that none of us are as grown up as we truly like to pretend we are.  For me…this will too will change.

As I look upon the beast sitting upon her shelf…a tear rolls down my cheek.  9.5 years and the promise of something better has come too late.  Still, I make that promise to her so that it is made to me.  As foolish as that is, laugh if you must, but she did something for me that I can’t return.  Truth be told, she saved my life.  So the changes I promised will be made.

I will consistently remain the person that everyone seems to think that I am (the good one with the big heart) and my life will change. I’m over sentimental and I appreciate it when people even do the small things for me because they have been so rare in my life. I don’t always know how to appreciate it in its entirety and I often hold on to tight.  I would like to apologize for some of that and it is something that I am working on.

As I look upon my latest and last tattoo, its placement, its meaning…I remind myself that I am here. Despite all…I am here.  Each person in my life is there for a reason and I’ve met so many that I consider friends.  Each of you rocks and I hope that you know that.  Not because I am saying it, but seriously if a princess tells you that you rock..you might want to listen. 😉  Life is much too good for the regrets and emptiness and the hate. The anger…there really isn’t room for it.  Enjoy every moment because if you don’t you will miss them before you even realize they are gone. I’m done rambling now and I expect NO ONE to read this, but I needed to post it. I will probably start my blog back up and so you won’t be bothered with it on facebook, but for now…here it is.

Thank you for your time.

~The Princess~

Let It Go (ramble)

As I was trying to drift off to sleep, I started to think about things in my life that I have been holding on to. Okay, so it is mainly people that I have been holding on to, but I digress. Anyway, as I thought about one person in particular, I started hearing “Let it go”…you know the song? Yeah, thanks for that Frozen. Anyway, as the phrase “let it go” musically lingered in my head, I began to contemplate this phrase in relation to my life.

Now, most would probably consider me an open book. Those people don’t actually know the half of it. However, I will admit the fact that I’ve got some heavy weight. A lot of us do. It is life.

As I was thinking about this person, I was thinking about the impact on my life. I then began thinking about a few other people and the impact that they have had. I would love to say that the majority of this impact is positive, but let’s face it…I probably wouldn’t be up at 11:30 at night with heavy eye lids if it was. The truth is, though these people have given me positive memories, they have also burdened me with a heavy weight because of the not so happy memories. However, it is not fair to blame them as a lot of it is on me. I mean it is me and my inability to let things go.

I mean again let’s face it, how many really can? The majority of us all hold on to people and things in hope of something. We definitely hold on to pain and resentment no matter how hard we try not to. When it is things, it is usually because of sentimental value that we think it still holds. The odds are that at some point that thing became nothing more than something to take up space. When it comes to people, it is usually the happy memories that they gave us despite all the bad. We don’t want to see what these things and people are really doing to us or it is our own fear of failing and giving up that whatever it is that continues to hold us to them. Truth is…we’re afraid of losing whatever it is within ourselves that we think that this person and/or things represent.

As I thought about these people as they are in my life. Though, I will not lie, I’ve got boxes of things to clear out. Anyway, as I thought mainly about the people that I truly do just need to let go, I began to picture a boat. A boat sinking and being weighed down by water. When you are in a boat and it is taking on water, when there is no escape what do you do? You start getting rid of the dead weight in attempts to make the boat not as heavy. We are the boats and everything else in our life is the water.

At points it is beautiful and peace. At other points, it is rough and the waves are shaking our boat and sometimes smashing parts of it. Eventually, if we are not careful we begin to take on water and most of us stubborn ones…well, we refuse to get rid of the dead weight. We think that we don’t need to do this, because it will all work out just fine. If doesn’t challenge us, it doesn’t change us. However, if we don’t change, the challenge becomes nothing more than a storm with us stuck in the middle of the ocean without a life jacket.

I think that this has been a long time in the making and though I am scared of what will happen, I know that it is time to start letting go and I don’t just mean talking about letting go. No, I mean truly letting go. Releasing the dead weight and bailing out the unnecessary water. I may still sink, but at least I will know that I did everything in my power to try and not.

I can’t tell you what to do with your boat, but for me…. “Let it go…let it go…can’t hold me back anymore” (and the cold never has bothered me anyway and you’ll never see me cry).

The Toll Booth

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I use to drive long roads with toll roads and then turn around and head home. I did this with no destination in mind and no purpose.  My only goal was to drive a lengthy distance and go through the toll road.  How is that for jacked the mess up?  It is funny and sad all at the same.  Now, that I’ve typed it to be read, I kind of wish I was lying.

 I was a mere 19/20?  I was a young buck for all purposes.  I was out on my own; my parents had long gone off to Indiana.  I had a falling out with the only friend that I had regular contact with (that lived close) and for all sense and purposes, I was alone.  That was when I first started traveling.  Well, if that is what you can really call it.  Like I said, I drove long roads just to go through toll roads.  Pathetic, but for some reason it gave me a sense of going somewhere.   I desperately needed to feel like I was going somewhere.

 At the time I was running away, but  even now I am not sure from what. I tried to convince myself that I was running towards something, but I wasn’t. I was trying to escape whatever life it was that I had.  Or maybe I was actually just feeding that desire of a spirit within.  There is something about traveling and an open road that fulfills me. At least it use to.

 I took some trips as a kid, but my first trip as an adult was to Houston for a baseball game.  That was my first and only live baseball game or at least as of right now.  It was also the first and last time I would/will purposely travel to Houston. Not a fan, but that is kind of besides the point so I will move on.

 When I left Oklahoma and moved to Indiana, my traveling would increase, but I had a destination by then. We have family in Illinois and so I would go over there and visit. Eventually, that traveling grew into more personal destinations.  I call them personal, because they were destinations that would suit a need for me.

 I would really start to travel in 2002. I went to a concert in Missouri and then I followed that up with a trip to Iowa. Over time I would also visit Tennessee, Michigan, Ohio, Kansas, West Virginia, Kentucky, and Pennsylvania.  Doesn’t really seem like a lot, but it was a lot to me.

 Traveling to all those places was an adventure to me. I had destinations and I was exploring new things.  It released this sense of freedom and I felt like I was something more than a speck in the air. It brought something out in me. Traveling to places I’d not seen before, or even places that I had and finding new things to see while there, was like a spark to the dying fire.  It wasn’t about running away any more and it wasn’t about running towards something. It was more like it was about being true to who I am.

 I am a traveler and an adventurer.  I love exploring and seeing places.  I love learning new things and finding those historical places. I love the thought of experiences all those rarities that so many of us have taken for granted.  There is this need in me to make memories and fill this space within.  I guess a wandering soul maybe. I don’t know how to explain it.  It is like one of those connection things that I keep rambling about.  It is an uncontrollable urge that I just cannot seem to kick.

 At least that is what it seemed like until a couple of years ago.  I hadn’t traveled much since I moved to Ohio, but I still have the uncontrollable urge to run.  Now I’m just kind of seeking that place where I belong and that one to settle down with.  It is amazing how things change as we grow older and maybe just purely grow.

 I took a trip to Missouri in Sept 2011.  It was my first trip in three and a half years. I was bound and determine to make it the best that it could be.    I visited Route 66 and Meramec Caverns. I checked out a ghost cave and went zip lining. I saw my bull riders and my favorite bull rider (in which I finally got a picture that he looked like he actually wanted to be in) and I just had an adventure.  The whole trip was mapped out and outside of rain and getting sick on day 2 it was flawless.  At least compared too many of my other trips it was flawless and yet it still seemed as if something was missing.

 It would take me a little bit to realize that it wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy traveling.  I still do enjoy traveling, I’m just a little tired of doing it by myself. I’m ready for that one to share my life with and to go adventuring with me. It just isn’t the same as it was when I was 26 versus 36.  Now, where those open roads use to take me to new places, I hope that it takes me to the place where I belong. The one where that cowboy is waiting to sweep me off my feet and everything starts to fall into place a little bit more flawlessly. I’m ready to find out where that open road ends.

 That seems silly I know.  It even seems a little sad, but it isn’t. I know that all roads we travel are for a reason.  There are lessons to be learned at every turn. Provided my roads have been a little longer than I would have preferred, they have all still been a reason.  I’m still a wandering soul that loves to travel the open road and find that off the beaten path trail to hike.  Definitely still that girl and I’m always a little restless and needing to run.  It is just that now, I’m a little bit more opt to making one last trip down that lengthy road and through that toll road without having to worry about turning around and going back to that life I’m ready to leave behind.


~SMH~

Copyright 2013 (photography and writing)