Small Town, IA (Part 1)

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She didn’t know why she was going. Could she really?  Just up and drive all that way for a concert?  She had already bought her ticket, but Iowa was a bit of drive.  It was also not just that the concert was in Iowa, it was in small town, Iowa.  She tried not to think about it.  She had struggled to come to terms with certain aspects of life.  She just hoped that Small Town, IA would not make her question the strength she had obtained with the acceptance of the these terms.

She decided not to waste the ticket and she was looking forward to the concert.  So hours later she was on her way.  It was a beautiful morning so far.  It was a perfect spring day in May and the sun was already shining.  She knew she was born to do this.  Travel on not so much of  a whim. Sight seeing and exploring what the world had to offer.  She could do this.  She was doing this.

Driving a long she was not sure where she should stop. Should she just drive through?  Let the road guide her? Would there even be anything worth stopping for?  She decided to just follow the road and sing along with the radio.

She made mental notes about hating the I-80. Disappointment set in with the lack of things worth stopping for, but then she saw it.  A brownish-red state park sign.  A sign for Buffalo Rocks.  She was intrigued.

She knew she had made the right decision taking the detour when she saw the buildings that had been weathered by a storm.  The town was historic feeling with old brick buildings, the “hadn’t been fixed in a while” streets, and abandoned houses once burdening the weight of a tornado knocking on their doors. She was fascinated and it felt right. She felt contentment with the afternoon sun glistening off of window panes and local bikers gathering in the town center.

She continued to her destination, smiling to herself.

The rocks were beautiful with a peacefulness that could only be felt in the middle of nowhere.  She walked over long rusted and long forgotten train tracks.  Climbing the dirt path to the top of the hill.  Giggling at the abandoned, rusted out car that had clearly been used as a redneck shooting range.  She felt at home.She felt right with herself.  Just standing at the top of the rocks, green grass shining, and the dirt of the rocks glistening.  Taking in a freshness of air unfamiliar. Moments passed before she realized she needed to be on her way.

Through Amish country she felt peace. Taking in the Iowa fields. If anything the drive would be worth it, but she was excited about what the evening had in store.

Her motel was decent with its yellow walls and flower blankets. She thought it was a decent location.  Though, she’d come to realize that the town was farther away from her destination than what she thought.  Still the drive made up for what the distance lacked…appeal.  She was confident and excited, but then she realized just how small that Small Town, IA really was.

Apprehension sat in as she pulled into the fairgrounds.  The eyes of locals were upon her, but she held her head high and found herself a place to sit.  The fairgrounds were filled, but not to the extent one would think for a concert.  She then realized that to the locals, this was nothing more than a social gathering. Much like Saturday nights and the Wal-mart parking lot.

Though, she was there to see both artist playing, she was not surprised to see the locals light up like fireworks when Confederate Railroad took the stage.  She just took it all in. Enjoying the music. Enjoying the sites.  Making it all worth knowing she had made the right choice.

Night was settling in and the concert was winding down.  She knew that she should be moving on, but she was apprehensive.  Part of her had hoped the CRR boys and Rhett Akins would be signing autographs and the other part could feel eyes upon her.

She looked around. Where were they coming from?  It had been hours, had people not gotten over her being there?  Then she saw him.  That lightly tanned boy in the faded baseball cap.  Big eyes shining through a pair of glasses and a smile a mile wide.  His not quite muscular, but still fit frame, nicely accommodated the shorts and short leave button up he was wearing.  His gaze was fixated on her, but she didn’t know what to think.  She nervously tried to avoid contact, but  just couldn’t.   Then….he headed her way.

copyright 2015 ~SMH~

My side

If I thought people would listen
I’d say my mind
My heartaches
So unbelievably so
I wish for things to be different
For me not to be so lonely
Or for this to be just self pity
Things so easy to overcome
But alas it is not
So many have left
Dropped me like a dime
Not all their fault
but alas not all mine
I wish it was different
That I had the chance
To make things right
To have what others have
I have a heart so full
A Spirit so worthy
A soul so desired
To be someone better than this
To not be alone
To not have a heart that aches
Eyes that cry
What I wouldn’t do
Just to know
If when I needed it most
There would be people by my side

Copyright 2015 ~SMH~

Us

I found pictures of you the other day
Pictures I didn’t even know I had
Memories of a different time
Emotions I tried to let go of
Convinced myself I had some time ago
Yet there they were
In those eyes
A smile so kind
A heart so pure
Flood gates opened
It all came pouring out
Something I’ll never understand
That time was many years behind
You’ve moved on
You don’t even think of me
My heart knows this is true
Still I think of you
More often than I should
That time under the Fourth of July sky
Things I wanted memories to make
I knew it wasn’t meant to be
Or maybe I was afraid it was
You had your fears too
The timing just wasn’t right
Maybe it was you
Maybe it was me
Maybe it was both
Things that no longer matter
The path has long been covered with dust
You have your life now
It’s me that’s still holding on
To what I no longer know
Love that I thought I had
Fighting I should have done
Things I should have said
An immature girl back then
She wouldn’t have known better
She’d have needed today
Looking at pictures of you
Ones she didn’t know she had
Those beautiful eyes
A gentle smile
A friend long lost
A heart still pained
Not sure what to say
What I should do
Knowing deep what I must
Only being able to wish for the worst
Doing what I can to forget about us

~SMH 2015~

Something I need to say

The last two days have been days of reflection as I spent with family that I have not seen in forever.  It has also been a time for reflection of the last year as it is another year gone by.  I know that it is still technically 2014, but do our years, should our years not technically begin new on our birthdays?  With that said, this might be the type of post for New Year’s Eve, but as I am now another year old…my new year began yesterday in a sense. It is no secret that the last month and a half have not been good to me.  It has been a snowball of BS that most only know a portion of.  Still those piles of BS are not much compared to others, I am not foolish enough to say other wise, but as they are my BS and have a ripple effect on that in which is my path…they weigh heavily on me.

Despite what will be a new year’s resolution, this will also be an apology of sorts.  My epiphanies are frequent, but the actualization of truth is not always.  So bear with me while I ramble.

As we sat around the table at Thanksgiving, I listened to one of the strongest men I know as he fights a good fight with cancer that he refuses to give into.  It’s been six years now since his initial diagnosis and he is about to battle his third round of chemo.  Still he remains positive and strong and eliminates those that do not deserve to be in his life. Yet, my selfish *** cannot seem to let go of those that I should have long let go of.  That will soon change.

As I listened to a cousin argue with my grandmother over God and free will. I felt inclined to speak up as his ignorance annoyed me.  It was not his ignorance towards God as I am definitely not one to speak on such a matter. God and I long agreed that he will continue to mess with my life as long as I continued to believe and he would accept the fact that I would not pray as long as I accepted the fact he would keep trying to force the reasons upon me.  It was the choice of free will and cousin’s ignorance on the topic that I was annoyed with and promptly told him that the paths are laid before us, but it is only us that can choose the right and the wrong as we are well educated on such matters and know what is right and wrong. As he shut his mouth rather quickly and realized his war was lost, I realized the hypocritical portion of mine. I often do that in which I know is wrong, because I fear so much what others will think of me.  Not in the legal sense, but more in the fairs of the heart and others. Doing what others want me to do or keeping something because everyone but me thinks it is a good idea. That too will change.

As I was asked for the umpteenth time if I was still in school and what was I going to school for now, I pondered the loserish persona that my life has taken on.  Still my grandmother speaks up and reminds me that if it isn’t right than it isn’t right and to do what needs to be done for me. A woman of few words until she has something to say and one of whom you listen when she speaks. I’m sorry that my life choices are no desirable, but trust me as unappealing as they are to you…imagine what they are to me.  My path is easier than most but not so flat and if you really wanted me in your life you would bare with me while I figure it out for the tenth time this year.  You don’t have to listen, you just have to stick around.  I’m pretty intelligent and just get turned around every now and then.  I’m working on it.

As we discussed the broken pieces of our family, I think about what I consider family and those that I’ve pushed away. Just friends.  It is my own shame within that often causes this.  I don’t ask them back as that is only a decision that they can make. I can only apologize for my foolishness. As I looked upon the things in my room, I sometimes realize that none of us are as grown up as we truly like to pretend we are.  For me…this will too will change.

As I look upon the beast sitting upon her shelf…a tear rolls down my cheek.  9.5 years and the promise of something better has come too late.  Still, I make that promise to her so that it is made to me.  As foolish as that is, laugh if you must, but she did something for me that I can’t return.  Truth be told, she saved my life.  So the changes I promised will be made.

I will consistently remain the person that everyone seems to think that I am (the good one with the big heart) and my life will change. I’m over sentimental and I appreciate it when people even do the small things for me because they have been so rare in my life. I don’t always know how to appreciate it in its entirety and I often hold on to tight.  I would like to apologize for some of that and it is something that I am working on.

As I look upon my latest and last tattoo, its placement, its meaning…I remind myself that I am here. Despite all…I am here.  Each person in my life is there for a reason and I’ve met so many that I consider friends.  Each of you rocks and I hope that you know that.  Not because I am saying it, but seriously if a princess tells you that you rock..you might want to listen. 😉  Life is much too good for the regrets and emptiness and the hate. The anger…there really isn’t room for it.  Enjoy every moment because if you don’t you will miss them before you even realize they are gone. I’m done rambling now and I expect NO ONE to read this, but I needed to post it. I will probably start my blog back up and so you won’t be bothered with it on facebook, but for now…here it is.

Thank you for your time.

~The Princess~

Let It Go (ramble)

As I was trying to drift off to sleep, I started to think about things in my life that I have been holding on to. Okay, so it is mainly people that I have been holding on to, but I digress. Anyway, as I thought about one person in particular, I started hearing “Let it go”…you know the song? Yeah, thanks for that Frozen. Anyway, as the phrase “let it go” musically lingered in my head, I began to contemplate this phrase in relation to my life.

Now, most would probably consider me an open book. Those people don’t actually know the half of it. However, I will admit the fact that I’ve got some heavy weight. A lot of us do. It is life.

As I was thinking about this person, I was thinking about the impact on my life. I then began thinking about a few other people and the impact that they have had. I would love to say that the majority of this impact is positive, but let’s face it…I probably wouldn’t be up at 11:30 at night with heavy eye lids if it was. The truth is, though these people have given me positive memories, they have also burdened me with a heavy weight because of the not so happy memories. However, it is not fair to blame them as a lot of it is on me. I mean it is me and my inability to let things go.

I mean again let’s face it, how many really can? The majority of us all hold on to people and things in hope of something. We definitely hold on to pain and resentment no matter how hard we try not to. When it is things, it is usually because of sentimental value that we think it still holds. The odds are that at some point that thing became nothing more than something to take up space. When it comes to people, it is usually the happy memories that they gave us despite all the bad. We don’t want to see what these things and people are really doing to us or it is our own fear of failing and giving up that whatever it is that continues to hold us to them. Truth is…we’re afraid of losing whatever it is within ourselves that we think that this person and/or things represent.

As I thought about these people as they are in my life. Though, I will not lie, I’ve got boxes of things to clear out. Anyway, as I thought mainly about the people that I truly do just need to let go, I began to picture a boat. A boat sinking and being weighed down by water. When you are in a boat and it is taking on water, when there is no escape what do you do? You start getting rid of the dead weight in attempts to make the boat not as heavy. We are the boats and everything else in our life is the water.

At points it is beautiful and peace. At other points, it is rough and the waves are shaking our boat and sometimes smashing parts of it. Eventually, if we are not careful we begin to take on water and most of us stubborn ones…well, we refuse to get rid of the dead weight. We think that we don’t need to do this, because it will all work out just fine. If doesn’t challenge us, it doesn’t change us. However, if we don’t change, the challenge becomes nothing more than a storm with us stuck in the middle of the ocean without a life jacket.

I think that this has been a long time in the making and though I am scared of what will happen, I know that it is time to start letting go and I don’t just mean talking about letting go. No, I mean truly letting go. Releasing the dead weight and bailing out the unnecessary water. I may still sink, but at least I will know that I did everything in my power to try and not.

I can’t tell you what to do with your boat, but for me…. “Let it go…let it go…can’t hold me back anymore” (and the cold never has bothered me anyway and you’ll never see me cry).

Say Yes

So, apparently this has been the week for “deep thoughts”. Yes, prepare yourselves, because that means another lengthy post.

About a week ago I made a couple of life altering choices. Most know this because of my status updates and some know the exact decisions made. When I made the biggest decision of all, I was so very excited. I mean, truly elated. I know so deeply that it is the right decision and I have this uncontrollable, passionate, “no word for it” emotion. I mean, to be honest, seeing where this path goes…well, it ranks right up there with seeing the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes in July. Yeah, that’s how serious I am about this decision.

Anyway, as the week has continued and I’ve been doing the things necessary to get the ball rolling, well, I’ve run into some bumps. Now, to show you how much I’ve grown..I’m calling them bumps. The old princess would have called them walls and said forget it, it wasn’t meant to be. There is a huge part of me that still wants to do this. The mistakes of the past are making it a little bit more difficult than anticipated. I knew there were going to be some blocks, but I wasn’t prepared for this.

So, as I was working out today, frustrated and pondering if I can really go through all of this and just have it fail, I started hearing the song by Michelle Williams, “Say yes”. Now, first off, the princess listens to rock and country. Anything else, well there are very few songs that make it through. However, this song is about Jesus. Now, before you think…oh, for the love, hear me out.

Most that know me know that though I believe wholeheartedly in the man above, truth be told, we’re not always on speaking terms. Alas, that is a conversation for another day. Now, back to my point. In this song are the lyrics, “When Jesus says yes, nobody can say no. When Jesus says yes, nobody can say no.” Guess what kept playing in my head as I was trying to talk myself into giving up.

Now, I thought about this for a moment, because like I said the Man and I, well, you’d probably have better luck getting me in a pair of red cowboy boots most days; especially, when I’m frustrated and feeling defeated. It made me think about the way that I was feeling when I initially made this decision, though. I was over elated and it was a feeling that I have never felt before. I mean that “without a doubt this is right” feeling. Do I think that was the Man above talking to me? Well, I stay off of religious soap boxes. Never discuss politics and religion in polite company. I do believe that it goes to say something about the choices we make.

We often make decisions that we have these said feelings about and as soon as we hit bumps we start doubting and trying to convince ourselves that it probably isn’t worth the hassle. Some of us, we start feeling defeated. Eventually, we even get to the point where we say forget it, even though somewhere inside there is a voice telling us not to give up. God, Jesus, Buddha, yourself, or whoever. Your belief determines the owner of that voice, but in the end it all says the same…something or someone wants you to hold on. Especially, if we had that “no word for it” passion that we made the right decision.

So, now that I’ve already rambled forever. I know, I know, deal with it. My point is simple, if you have that decision or that thing that you are absolutely passionately elated about…don’t let the road blocks keep you from it. If something says yes, nobody can say no. It’s all up to you, you are in control. (I’ve really got to stop quoting songs).

Live, laugh, love, and let it ride, my darlins.

The Girl Within Me

eyes

I try so hard to see
The girl others see in me
I stare deep into those eyes
But all I see is vacancy

I trace my features in the mirror
Looking for that beauty to appear
I ponder all they say
Gifts and a heart gone to the waste way

I look hard into the girl
But it’s dark and cold in her world

Through a tiny hole of light I can see
An obstructed glimmer of decency
A broken soul looking for leniency

Crying into the arms of mercy
Heart breaking
Falling like desperation
Darkness dancing in its motion

Death grows near
Fear grows thick
But in the distance
There is a fire within

Flames low and weak
Someone’s fighting
Dying to get out

Struggling to be seen
Trying to be heard
Spirited girl with life
Engulfed in the night

She waits so patiently

Waiting for a chance to be
The girl everyone sees

I lay in the loneliness
Quiet and still
Staring deep into those eyes

Trying to reach
Trying to see
Trying to save that girl hidden inside of me

copyright 2013 ~smh~

I Wait

I keep on waiting
here by my lonesome
for the man that stole my heart
All those many years ago
Our timing was never right
but our friendship built to last
We’d lose each other
only to be found again
My heart could never let you go
Though there’s no question it should

Your choices, your fears

The reasons that led us here
Still here we are after all these years
back to a point of lines

I stand on one side
While you on the other
It should be easy
But this is not a line to cross

You said it was the right choice
Still you seemed to wonder
Should it have been different
What if we’d had our chance

I wanted to scream
Confirm the thoughts you pondered
Yet you seemed so sure
It was time to move on

It still is

This I know
And I get so close
Then there you are
Memories like yesteryear
Vivid and tugging
So I stop
Wondering if the day will ever come
When I no longer have to wait

To see you standing before me
Saying what I’ve been longing to hear
That you made a mistake
All a long it was me
I’m the one you love
This is how it should have been

I know these are only words
Ones I’ll never get to hear
Yet I cannot help but wait
For the day I wait no more
And I can finally share my love
With that man I’ve been dreaming of

 

Copyright 2013 ~smh~

Cannot Help but Wonder

I cannot help but wonder
Sitting here thinking of you
Would it really matter
The things that I have to say
Long lost on my tongue
Words I couldn’t bear to convey

I cannot help but wonder
If what you felt was true
When push came to shove
You were so easily removed

I cannot help but wonder
Was it all just a dream
Deeply in lasting love
Or hidden in lusting for all the above

I cannot help but wonder
We’re still so deeply attached
Even after all these years
Friends never detached

I cannot help but wonder
Do you still think of me
In the moments I can’t help but to think of you
Did you really fall
Heads over heels
This was truth as I was told

Still there’s that elephant between us
Now with a saddle upon his back
So I cannot help but wonder
Whose holding on more
Is it you to me
Or me to you
We keep coming back
Even after all these years

I cannot help but wonder
If I said what was on my heart
Would you even hear the words
Or ignore them like your faults

I know it is a hopeless dream
Fading like the dark into day
Still I cannot help but wonder
What would you say
If I spoke those words
The ones we never brought ourselves to say

Copyright 2013 ~smh~

Hating Me, Wanting You

I hate you

For reasons I cannot explain

I love you

For reasons I do not know

I close my eyes and you are there

I open my eyes and see your ghost

Like a scar upon my face

I see you everyday

You haunt me

Worse than a bad memory

No matter how hard I try to forget

It tugs and tugs at my heart

I cannot seem to let you go

I should have moved on so long ago

I was not good enough for you

You were no good for me

It was long in our past

Yet, it seems like yesterday

The pain is so strong

It truly hurts when I breathe

My heart bleeds

Feels as if it is shredded

Over and over and over again

I cry  waterless tears

But none the less real

Trying to start everyday new

Here you come seeping through

Like whitewater rapids

Your memory sucks me in

Thrashing and tossing me about

I hit my knees

Praying for some kind of relief

For my mind to be clear of you

Never to again think of  you

Still I think I hate you

Knowing that I love you

You’re not worth the time

I was not worth yours

I hate you

For only one reason I can explain

I hate you for making me hate me

I hate me for wanting you

I hate me, because I can’t stop loving you

~2013 SMH~